Question:

“A friend has been complaining about her job, her supervisor, and feeling like she’s burned out. Today she called and there were a lot of external reasons given. Lack of permission for trainings, lack of support to learn new things, etc. I asked what she was doing independently for these things, but she seems focused on what someone else is or isn’t giving her. I forwarded her a few learning items like webinars and reading materials, but she didn’t seem interested. I feel like we’ve talked about this in the past, but I don’t remember. I know lack of support is a factor in CF/B, but what about taking our own initiative? Is this sounding familiar? Any thoughts or places to refer me?”

Answer:

Every single interaction I have with a person is through the view of the Transtheoretical model or The Stages of Change Theory by Prochaska and DiClemente.

It places people in one of the following stages:

• pre-contemplation(no change is needed – I’m happy with the way things are)
• contemplation(maybe I need to change, maybe not)
• preparation(I probably need to change, I wonder how I would do that)
• action (I’m making change) or maintenance (I’ve been in the change for more than 6 months)
• And “relapse”(back to old habits) can happen at any time for any length of time.

The model states that when the helper is in a further stage than the human, the human has a natural tendency to resist to “suggestions” for resolution/change, which sound like, “Yes, but….” or “I can’t because….” or “I tried, but…..”  You get the idea:)

You can also see her energy is going to the External Locus of Control, which you’ve reviewed in Module 2.

Mandated people may present in any of the stages – this population will be higher  in “Pre-Contemplation” than humans who voluntarily attend.

It sounds as though she may be in the contemplation/preparation stage, which means she knows she wants change to happen, but she’s not quite ready to shift her energy to her internal locus of control to make it happen (and we know that could be for MANY reasons).

Your key indicator that you are further along the stages than she is, is that you are working harder for her success than she is.

When this happens for me, I immediately stop all ideas for how change can happen and shift into motivational interviewing (the technique taught in stages of change) to move the person into action.

This includes a few things…. empathizing with her current suffering because of her current situation (she feels stuck).

—–Now here’s a side note – when we are ahead of the human and they are “resisting” then we can sometimes get annoyed.  That annoyance can cause us to present with less empathy. —–

So, I mindfully take a breath, ground myself, look the person in the eye, smile, try to soften and let go of any frustration and empathize.  I even give a bit more time for silence.

I ask them what their fear is if things don’t change and really let them feel it (not too much when it’s trauma work).

Then I ask them what their life would be like if things could change (not talking about HOW to make the change – just the outcome of the change – basically her wellness gauge lol).

It’s at this point I usually introduce the external vs internal locus of control.  I tell them the more energy they put into external, the more unhappy people tend to be.  This is where we shift into solution focused ideas in the internal locus of control.

If I’ve empathized enough and I know this person feels validated, I’ll get a little cheeky and say, “It’s totally up to you where you want to put your energy, you can choose the external focus or you can choose the internal focus, as long as you’re okay with the outcome/consequences of that choice.   I can support you in increasing your internal locus of control”.

All of this brings together the following frameworks:

• Stages of Change with motivational interviewing
• External vs. Internal locus of control
• Shit from Problem Focused to Solution Focused
• Client Centered
• Protective factor for compassion fatigue as we no longer have the self-imposed “pressure” to “fix” a person.

Now there can be additional factors if a person is someone who tends to “vent” or “dump” in a problem focused way and doesn’t want solutions, especially if they are a friend and not a person we are working with.

We can break this cycle by not engaging in the dumping (not agreeing/feeding into the negative), not giving solutions and instead responding with, “what are your choices?” or “what do you want to see different?” or “what will you do?”.

If it’s a friend, and we continue to be solution focused, and they are ready for change, they will move forward.

If they are not ready for change and just want to vent/dump, they will likely begin to vent to someone else who will feed into it.  I know it sounds a bit harsh, but venting (without focus on a solution at the end) is not helpful for them or for you.